Cozy with my Insecurities (Original date...circa early November 2021)
Today it's snowing! I am currently curled up in bed with Audrey and Ares, listening to a playlist on Youtube called, "More songs to slow dance to in the kitchen at 2 a.m. with the one you love."
It is a very nice collection of mostly 40s love songs. Billie Holiday, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin...It just puts me in a good mood.
Right now everything feels really comfortable and nice. I have generally become more optimistic since last weekend. I don't feel so hopelessly sad. I do still have a lot of insecurities and thoughts that have been popping up lately. I'd like to write about them a bit, mostly because when I look back months from now, I can smile knowing that it's okay to feel scared of the uncertainty. I think I typed about it in my last blog, but I feel like I have amnesia of all the other big moves/changes that I have had over the last 10 years. I remember them but not how I felt. Does that make sense?
When my mom passed and I moved to a new city and got a new job, it must have been overwhelming but I don't remember being that scared. When I moved in with Tim and got an entirely different job in a new city, I had to also be unsure of myself but I don't remember it being that bad. It had to be though right?
So, here are some of my current thoughts. Most of them have to do with the fact that at some point, I am going to be quite uncomfortable until I get settled in.
Work. I am combining a mixture of skills and knowledge. I am nervous I won't be quick enough, or I'll go to see patients and I'll forget how to do something and hold everything up. I'm nervous about driving in the snow, when that time comes. I'm nervous that I really don't have enough skills to be useful, at the moment, to how the clinic is running currently.
Worst case scenario: I forget to do a test or document something incorrectly. I get into the exam room with a patient a blank out. I am unsure if I'm doing things correctly. The staff and doctor is frustrated with me.
We were just talking about this post! You are doing amazing at work, maybe even doing too good! I wish that you would have had time to finish this post that day because I would be interested in seeing other struggles that you have overcome since then.
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