The Beat Goes On

 

Good Evening,

It's another cozy Sunday and tonight I'm typing from a relaxing New York restaurant. It's raining outside and they're playing smooth jazz. I found another ambience channel that has several difference scenes and this one just felt right for this evening.

Here it is, if you want to come join me and take a seat!

    Now that we're both settled in for the evening, let's talk. Hmm, this week wasn't super eventful but it wasn't bad. My head is definitely still up in the clouds. The days are blending together a bit but not in a bad way. There was a time where at the end of the weekend I really dreaded what Monday could look like. I already had this fear that Monday would be overwhelming and awful. Now, although Monday is one of my busiest days, I haven't felt the same fear about a bad day. I think part of that is from being so much more present and involved at work. There is very little unknown anymore and so I can't make up scenarios in my head to fill and feed that fear. I think the other part is just being in a better place, mentally. 

On Saturday I went with Tim to one of his friend's Celebration of Life. It was a man that worked a few hangars down from Tim. I met him only a few times but always heard Tim talk a lot about it. I also remembered dog Dutchy. She is a small, old, rather large Pomeranian that he always had at his side. The Wake started off pretty difficult for me. I don't know if death in general is hard for me to handle or if I'm feeding off of other people's energies, I think a bit of both. Most of us can relate on a personal level to the immense pain that comes with losing someone close to you. There was a really nice slide show going with lots of interesting pictures from his life and they all made me want to burst out into tears although I hardly knew him. In almost every travel photo was a picture of him and his little dog. He was only 62 but had a heart that hadn't been functioning well in a long time (he was on a transplant list) I barely was able to tell Tim, "I'm sorry, I don't really do well at these kinda things" and "this is why I am always asking you for pictures" without bursting into tears.

    After I got a little bit of food in me and the personal stories from friends and family started, I calmed down quite a bit. Tim held it together very well until the end when he was talking to his friend's partner. He teared up a few times before that while listening to people talking. I know that Jules meant a lot to him. The majority of the ceremony was really happy and upbeat. On the care ride home I wanted to check in with him. He said that he really connected to Jules on an intellectual level and he would really miss him. For Tim, those kind of connections are really priceless. I know he has that with both grandfather's and his late boss, Jim Sr. One day, he will no doubt be that for someone too. 

    Pictures are really lovely to have. I regret not taking more with my mom and I regret not taking videos of her even more. Up until maybe a year or two ago, I used to dial her old Magic Jack number. It had her voice on there and sometimes I would leave voice mails. I stopped doing that because I was afraid I would fill up the mailbox and not be able to hear the recording. I had the number saved in my phone and eventually deleted it because I felt like I needed to "move on" from that to some degree. Life isn't the same without her but it has continued on. It's kinda amazing how life can become a new normal when things change, death included. 

    It's hard to believe that this year will be 6 years without her. It will also be 6 years with Tim. So many changes in these past six years. I wish I could jump back into time and give me a giant hug. I've changed in so many ways. Well, this blog has already taken a turn I did not expect it to.

    Next weekend I am looking forward to spending time with Wrenn and then celebrating Father's Day. Wrenn and I are going to watch the new Conjuring movie and eat at this glorious ramen shop. I am going to try and get some more pictures this time! On Saturday we are going to go to my dad's, cook and spend time for Father's Day/ birthday festivities. It is so nice to be able to visit in person again. I definitely feel a strong desire to spend as much time as I can with my family and friends before I leave.

    This past Friday, Bree even drove to my work so we could walk the bridge and have breakfast before I worked. It was really nice. I hope we can do it a few times more before I leave. 

    Overall I feel pretty balanced and comfortable. It's a nice feeling. This week is going to be extra busy. There is a doctor in on Friday and our Tuesday doctor is completely booked up. I think I might go listen to a bit of music and curl up in the bedroom or make a tea latte. Kinda sounds nice, especially with this rainy/jazzy ambience I've got going on. 

For now, enjoy your evening and until next time,

SB