Sunday Evening Thoughts

 

The title pretty much sets the scene for this blog. It's Sunday night and I am sitting in the spare room at home, with Miss Kitty (who has just recently decided to join me). I have had a very nice rainy coffee shop ambience playing in the background for the last few hours. I love these kinds of videos. They really give you the complete atmosphere.

Sometimes I wish I could jump into these visits or had a pair of 3D glasses. I find them so relaxing. This weekend was a mix of restorative and productive. I mowed the lawn, did all the laundry (and put it away!) exercises and got in some play time with Ares. I also got to take a few good naps and watch some Netflix. I feel pretty comfortable this evening, overall happy with how balanced the weekend has been for me. 

Friday I had another good therapy session. My therapist gave me some articles to read by John Gottman. The psychology podcast I listen to often mentions Gottman, so I was already somewhat familiar and happy to start reading. My initial reaction after reading the articles was sadness and heavy? It was an obvious feeling and not something that I had to figure out. I'm not exactly sure where the sadness came from, I think mostly from thinking that Tim would not cooperate in these topics with me.

The articles are all regarding intimacy and questions to get to know your partner better (some are explicitly sexual, some are not) It's supposed to take the guess work out of your mind. So, I can't make up something hurtful in my head because we have already explored these topics (and his answers)

Some examples are:

Tell me honestly, are there things I do to help you like your body? Are there things I can do to help you like your body more? 

Tell me honestly, are there things I do that make you not like your body?

There is an old saying that some men want sex to feel close and some men only want sex when they already feel close. Which one do you think is true of you? Which one is true of us? Is that a problem? If so, can we make them better?

Pretty thoughtful questions right? These were just 3 out of several sections that just stood out to me. They are broken down by men and women, then even further from there. I have been craving emotional intimacy and really want to have an evening where we can be open about these things. 

I brought it up to Tim on Friday after I got home but it wasn't the right time. This is definitely one of those conversations where we both need to be in the right mindset (or I'll get hurt, for sure) I sent him the articles to look at and prefaced it with a, "you tell me when you feel like you're ready to talk about this stuff. You don't have to study this, but it would be helpful for you to look it over before we do talk."

He didn't bring it up yesterday or today. We might not get to it before my next therapy session either. It makes me a little sad but at the same time, I think it must feel like work for him while for me I could drop everything and have this kind of intimate moment. Is it that? Is it just society teaching men to put off / sigh about being intimate in this way? I don't know. I feel like it's a mix of both. 

I mostly know that I don't want to set us up for failure. There is a ton of conversation starters in the homework my therapist gave me and it will take some time to get through. 

        Unrelated, tomorrow starts a new week. It will be busy but I don't have any negative baggage hanging around. It should be pretty busy and a long day. Tim's dad will be in town again for a few days this week, so we will go have dinner with him Tuesday night (it should be nice) Tomorrow I want to  wake up a bit earlier, make breakfast and a salad for lunch. I cooked up some cajun chicken today for the salads this week. 

I've overall been doing good but feeling very dreamy. My head has definitely been in the clouds a few times. There is so much change coming from every avenue and it's exciting. I'm not anxious for it but it's definitely making me thoughtful. I am very curious to see where I'll be this time next year, in every aspect of my life. 

Until Next Time,

SB