Home Away from Home

    Right now I am sitting in the basement of Tim's parent's house, cozy under the blankets. I started typing up a blog last week but didn't finish it or publish it. It is hard to believe that it has been such a long time since the last time I blogged. It's also amazing to think about how much has happened since.

    I've got a lot of feelings swirling around in my head at the moment. I mostly feel a nagging sadness but not for any one particular feeling. It's funny, because I was really longing for the day when Tim and I would be permanently moved up here. It's really bitter sweet though. I already miss my family a lot. Miss the easiness of being familiar with my city, my state and routine. Now everything is new. The newness is interesting but also makes me anxious. Driving down roads I don't know every day makes me tired and anxious. Going to grocery stores, offices and gas stations I don't know, makes me anxious and is draining. 

    There is so much newness right now that it's kinda tough to want to do anything but curl up into a ball and sleep. I wanted to type some of these feelings out because I want to be able to look back over the next year and see that everything turned out just fine. It always does. Why is it we don't remember the anxiety of newness until it happens again? Like happening for the first time, each time. 

    Tim just left this afternoon for Florida, he'll be back in 2 weeks. As soon as he walked out of the room I couldn't control myself from crying. I think part of it is the usual sadness that comes with him leaving and the other part is just a sadness that one of the only other familiar things I have is going to be gone. I'm going to indulge in my anxiety for a minute, then I'll tell you all the things I'm grateful for.

    My pregnancy. I'm nervous about having a healthy pregnancy and navigating everything that this means. I've had morning sickness this week and weird cravings as well as strong food adversions. A lot of familiar smells make me nauseous (I had to switch my deodorant) I want to eat all the carbs. This next week I am going to try and balance everything out with a bit more exercise, even if it's just minimal. 

    My new job. I am anxious about the travel that is required for the job, particularly when the weather gets bad. I am worried about being able to do all that my job entails. I am worried about how I will juggle this when I have the baby. 

    Overall I'm feeling overwhelmed. I want a healthy pregnancy and baby. I want to excel at work. It has been quite awhile since I've had so much newness thrown at me. Logically I know that my hormones are probably all over the place. Everything feels more intense than it should. Time and repetition is going to help ease a lot of my anxiety if not all of it. I feel that familiar feeling of a slight depression, just wanting to crawl under the covers and sleep or zone out mindlessly on social media until I have to do the next task.

    I didn't want all of this to be so gloomy because day to day I don't feel that way. Just, alone tonight, I am particularly feeling this way. To end on a positive note, here are all the wonderful things that have happened/ are happening (and some of the things I've manifested):

• A job at a large hospital here in Ohio (room for salary, skill and responsibility growth)
• A beautiful home in Medina (Can't wait to decorate it at Christmas time)
• A beautiful baby (it's still very early but I have no doubt this baby will be amazing in every way)
• A place to stay, lease free with my husband and animals while we wait to move into our home
• Supportive and loving family
• An awesome and perfect nephew!
• Excellent health coverage for myself, baby and Tim 
• Lots of caring family members here in Ohio 
• Tim's work flexibility recently
• Tim's future talk of increased salary and 401K

Sooo many good things. Lots of wonderful things to come. Lots of opportunities and doors opening. I know I need to trust, walk through those doors with clear intentions. Even a month from now things will be so very different from right this moment. I'll have had my first OBGYN appt, be moved into our new home in Medina and have had over a month of training at my new job. It will also be another month of driving in Ohio and navigating the roads. 

EDIT: I went back and read my last 2 blog entries from June and July and it made me feel a bit more calm. I was in a completely different head space then. It also made me realize that even then, so much changed from how I originally saw things playing out. I wanted to take a moment to say that Kat's wedding was beautiful and it was a great trip in Indiana. My depart from work was necessary but bitter sweet. My parting from work allowed me almost a month to spend with Bree, Charlie and my parents. I am so, so lucky for that time. I am also grateful that I had a week in Ohio, with Tim, prior to starting work.

    For now I am going to head to bed and do a little yoga prior to then maybe read. Lots of love, always,

                                                                    SB