Sobering

 Good Evening,

 

 

 

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since the last time I posted. It's amazing how fast time goes by and every year it just seems to accelerate a little more. 

 So, as usual, a lot has happened. First and foremost, 

 

 

 

I QUIT DRINKING. 

 Woah...like for good? Yeah. I think so. 

 

  

Many, many events in my 29 years of life have led me in this direction and I want to spend a little bit of time on this topic. What have been the red flags in my life, smacking me in the face constantly, might you ask?

• I like the taste of alcohol but I am always more concerned about the percentage of alcohol ("Oh man, 3%? Are you kidding me? "A Pina Colada? I'll never get drunk and all those calories!"  

 

• My mom was an alcoholic, my mom's biological father was an alcoholic, my mom's brother IS an alcoholic and my great grandmother on my mom's side was alcoholic. (Probably just a coincidence....)
• I have blacked out while drinking more times than I can count on both hands (I don't think including toes...but still not a great statistic)
•  
• I grew up with my own firsthand Lifetime Original  mother who was a functioning alcohol. I saw the chaos that it reeked in her life and how it poured into mine. (no put intended there)
  
•  While very intoxicated- I do not in fact- always become the amazing person that I think I am. I become, abusive, suicidal, emotional and stubborn.
• I am overly anxious 
• I have been wanting a healthier lifestyle for quite awhile now...regular yoga and meditation, eating better and alcohol does not properly fit into that goal (something about having a good workout and then rewarding yourself with a beer seems....off?)
  
•  I have told myself a few times before that I should "take a break" from drinking or "moderate" my drinking. (Spoiler alert, that didn't work for me)
• I am surrounded by acquaintances who know me as a "drinker." And man did I wear that badge of honor. 
• I drank to make having sex easier and sex was difficult because of past traumas. (Is difficult, but working on that)

 Do I need anymore reasons? I am sure I could list more but that is already a pretty generous list....

 After this last time of blacking out, becoming emotional, repressed feelings coming to the surface, I made the decision to finally quit drinking for good. I like to think that I could have that glass of champagne at Midnight on NYE but to be honest, we don't even celebrate NYE like that.

 I feel like I will miss the romanticism of it but this reality is so very one-sided. Want to see what I mean?

 Mimosa brunch with my girlfriends ---------------------------------- > We can still have brunch together

Glass of Champagne at Midnight on NYE --------------------------- > We're usually in bed anyways

Fun colorful cocktails ---------------------------------------------------- > I can make fun colorful mocktails

Inclusive resorts, Vacations ---------------------------------------------- > You can enjoy a vacay without alcohol

 What's so crazy is that while I am typing this out, I feel like all of those statements looks so silly but they are all thoughts that have been going throw my head (even being decided that I won't drink again).

 So, as I'm typing this, I am almost 6 days sober. I can't remember the last time I made it more than a 2 weeks without some kind of drink. I have been listening to various vloggers and podcasts regarding the health benefits and their personal experiences. I am really glad that I have made this decision now instead of waiting another 10 years and possibly ruining my relationships and health. 

 Some of the changes that I am anticipating and expecting are: feeling "higher highs again," some weight loss, change in my skin, more connected with my spirituality  and the most important: better control of my anxiety. I am actually really excited about this change because I feel like it's an old skin I have been trying to shed for a long time. 

 

 

For me personally, this is a complete "level up." I don't feel like everyone needs to take this path. I don't think that alcohol is the devil. I don't deny that I have many amazing memories while drinking alcohol but the highs are no longer worth the major lows.

This all comes in good timing as the other big event that has recently happened is a pretty surefire thought that we will be moving to Ohio by Summer. I feel like things are aligning for us (finally but I knew they would) Tim is working intensely on some projects at work that have potential for real profit. All of his hard working is starting to show results. So, his boss will be in town Monday and they will have a talk about the future of the company, our future. I have been ready for this conversation for over a year.

I think that things will begin to move quickly after this, but I am hopeful and excited. I am especially excited to do it with a clear head. 

I owe Tim a knee rub for making me a grill cheese so I am going to have to excuse myself for the night.

Lots of Love,

S.B.