Perspective

Good (lazy) Sunday Evening,

 

I feel like the title of this blog post is likely a repeat from a previous post but that's okay- because it is those previous posts that have given me perspective (like what I did there? No?) I have so much I could write about, honestly. 

I think I'll start with something simple though. After talking with my sister about blogging it really made me yearn for those days that I was very committed to writing. I think writing makes me feel very accomplished although I have never written for an audience. In the sense of writing stories- it was an exploration of another world and I enjoyed immersing myself in the delicate details. This is probably why none of my fanfictions were popular compared to Wrenn's. (Steamy sex is way more exciting than a 2 paragraph description of the night sky and the rooftop)

 

So, here. we. are. again. Reading old blog posts really reminded me, once again, that perspective is everything. My goals at the time felt so far away although I was mostly hopeful. I was talking about how much I wanted Tim and I to have our own place- I was working a job that I was cautiously optimistic about. I was very worried about my financial state- particularly my ability to pay off my debts. I also had a lovely post that confirms what I always told Tim- that after his cousin's wedding I had decided that I would marry him some day. 

 

It really is amazing when you look at old posts like that- makes you feel like you really have the power to manifest all the beautiful things you want in life (even when they can feel far away at that moment or you can picture steps A-C) For me personally, I have accomplished and received so much of what I asked for from the universe. It's hard to believe that at one point I was unsure if some of these things would be mine one day. It really has me thinking about how easy it is to take things for granted when you lose that perspective (there was once a time where I was longing for this very moment!) 

As I'm sitting in our spare room, sweet dog laying at my feet, Halloween decorations set around the room and typing in this quiet space- I have so much. 

❤ I got the new lovely home

❤ I got married to Tim

❤ I got that dog I've always wanted

❤ I have 4 amazing kitties 

❤ I am able to pay my bills 

❤ I am working a job that I actually enjoy and have control over hourse

❤ I have weekends off (finally!)

I can think of specific moments when I felt anxious about all of these things, wishing that they would come sooner than later. I will say, in my experience, that the wait is worth the outcome because every scenario has been even better than what I could have even imagined and that is a truly beautiful thing.

Putting some of this more figurative thinking aside, let's talk about some concrete things. I've been very reflective lately and wanting to confront some of my anxiety. I signed up for therapy and I am very hopeful. I honestly really like my Therapist and feel comfortable talking with her. We are particularly going to try and tackle handling my anxiety and processing childhood trauma. I never equated my childhood with trauma because of all the awful true crime documentaries I have seen, my childhood seems incredibly tame- but that's not fair to myself. I feel like I let a lot of stuff go- a long time ago. I don't feel angry or sad or a victim. I just want to understand myself better and heal fully. I think I have some subconscious healing to do...I was given some grounding exercises to try when I'm feeling particularly anxious and they seem very practical (i.e.- touch something textured like rice or feathers, watch ice melt and how it changes shape as it does, smell essential oils or scents I like, etc.) 

I already do some of the things on the list (particularly get up and MOVE- things were listed like dance, listen to good music or clean) I'm interested to see where therapy will take me. 

 

Yesterday, Tim and I had a bit of a rough one. Tim has been feeling very low lately and he wears it on his sleeve or I am just very in tune with his feelings. I can see it all over his face, he looks very sad and defeated. I know he is disappointed with how he look, disappointed that he is still in Florida and that work hasn't panned out the way he expected to. He is also physically hurting a lot too, particularly his wrist and knee (which have a dozen different causes to be honest) I wish I could take away his pain, I wouldn't even mind carrying it for him in the meantime until he is ready to let it go. It's hard seeing someone you love in such a low state of mind, especially when you're an optimist at heart. (It's me! I am a romantic optimist!) I have a fear though, that if we did live in Ohio, if Tim was happier in his career, that he would still be chronically pessimistic and that thought makes me sad, of course. 

 

I have visualized our life in Ohio many times and I have no doubt that it will be even better than what I can imagine though. I love visualizing and renting temporary space in future memories. It makes me feel really good. I think I'll make a separate post for that very topic tonight.  

Yours Truly, 

SM