Places I'd rather be at 2am than Stuck at Home Sick

Your perception and how you talk about an event can, in my opinion, alter the situation at hand.

So, instead of naming this post "2am pity party" I went with the longer title above. 

All day yesterday I felt a heavy anxiety at work that I can't explain. I felt anxiety about speaking with Tim (although there was really no reason for it and whether I called him at lunch time to ask how the air show was going or called him after work it really would make no difference) I felt anxiety about getting home to straighten up the house and anxiety about going to get my bangs cut.

It was the strangest and most agitating feeling. I stepped outside from the office multiple times to try and clear my head but nothing really seemed to work. 

I have all kinds of thoughts going on in my head right now that every time I start typing something out, I almost immediately erase it and think about starting with something else. 

Anyhow, I digress....I finally  made it home from work and gave Tim a call. He seemed a little funny but I am trying to be understanding about how busy he is. Lately, we have had little time to spend together and I guess it has been getting under my skin a little more than I thought it was.

I keep smiling and telling him "it's fine, don't worry" instead of admitting that "yes, this sucks!" When we spend time together it is very wonderful. He is truly great and I can find little reason to be unhappy. I have been trying to keep this in the forefront of my mind because we don't really text very much during the week. We check in in the morning and at night but I always feel like I am burdening him by texting.

His replies are short and he doesn't really seem interested in what I have to say. I think that has hurt me a little more lately because we haven't  really had much time together.

However, then I start to think that I am being unreasonable because:

A) I will be leaving to go out to the air show on Thursday night after my optical meeting to see him (which brings its own weird anxieties on me)

1. I am nervous that I'm going to get jealous or weird of the fact that he will be busy/focused mostly on work and possibly other women there
2. I know in my heart of hearts that he invited me to go out, suggested that I take the time off work to come out there, because he wants me to be a part of what his life is about. So, how in the hell can I somehow twist this into something selfish, something about me feeling neglected.....still trying to understand how things work inside of my head sometimes.

B) We have plans to move together so there will be a time in the near future that we will be forced to spend time together, so this separation is only very temporary (AKA I am not seeing the big picture here and want immediate gratification.)

So, this is my first relationship with a guy who is on the same level as me. He is intelligent, independent, has his shit together so-to-speak and is his own person. I guess that is a difficult thing for me to swallow too, because I am so used to dominating the relationship.

• I was always the busier one and the harder worker
• I was always the one who had higher standards and goals in life
• I was always the one to take care of my SO (mothering a bit too much)

That is not the case now, however. Tim is a strong person and I absolutely loooove that about him. I love that he's as passionate as he is about his career. I don't love that he can't seem to turn his mind off sometimes but neither can I. I feel like I have figured out better strategies to channel my anxieties, perhaps, than he has. I have never been the type of person to take out these kind of emotional anxieties on people and I feel like he has a tendency too. 

Again, I digress....so, it is that time of month and my stomach feels terrible. I woke up about an hour ago with horrible cramps. I think it is a little bit of a blessing now because there is really so much that I need to de-clutter and clean up here in my room that I keep avoiding. I think that might be a partial reason for my anxieties.

I've been avoiding really looking at my bank account and cleaning up my messy room. My outside environment is feeling a little chaotic so it should be no surprise, I guess, that inside my head is a little uncomfortable right now. 

Something else I have been mulling around in my head lately is how I have let a fair amount of stuff go. Maintenance stuff. I barely commit to washing my face every night before bed now because my life outside of going over to Tim's house on the weekend seems boring. I feel like, during the week I am pretty much just floating through until I get to Tim's house.

I want to fix some of these maintenance problems. It is amazing how lost you can get when you become so wrapped up in someone else. I don't feel like I'm giving all my time to him because 5 out of 7 days I am here working. But, just looking over this blog post I can see that a lot of my mental energy during the day is focused on him.

Well, that's surely not cute or healthy. So, what can I do to fix this?

• Keep up on the chores here 
• Focus on my finances
• Go to bed a little later
• Go to the gym 
• Read more books
• Make plans with the girls from work
• Stay the hell off of facebook
• Make plans with Sara
• Talk with Wrenn and Jake more
• Spend more time with my dad 
• Go walking again with Deanna
• Keep up on my beauty habits again
• Revamp my motivation board
• Spend more time with myself, in my own company 

I feel like I need to pull away from social media a little bit and certainly stop scrutinizing text messages. I can understand how a text is annoying or unimportant. I want to continue this relationship in a healthy way so that it only grows stronger. Tim is unlike any guy I have ever dated before and I need to really figure myself out so that I can be the best partner I can be.

Importantly though, I do not need him to validate me during the day. I know I am funny, smart and beautiful so regardless of not hearing it from him, I know I am wonderful. If my mood is down, I do not need him to pick me back up and I cannot feel sad when he is busy with his own life and does not somehow read my mind to know that I need a pick-me-up.

Any little bit of distance or feeling or neglect now is so minimal in comparison to what we feel for each other. I do not need him to send me 50 texts a day saying how wonderful I am and how much he loves and misses me to KNOW that he loves and misses me. Everyone is different, but he has his own life and own issues to deal with. 

I am complete and whole without him.